TITLE: Mirrors of the Soul
Genre: angst, romance
Pairing: kaisoo
Length: 3, 309 words
Warning: Character death slight homophobia
Summary: Everybody dies, it's not the end of the world. Because the truth is, life isn't a circle but a sad straight line. You can only go forward, no one was allowed to look back.
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Some people were lucky enough to be born in perfect health, only making everything start to deteriorate as they begin taking it for granted – drinking up too much toxic liquors that their liver finally gives up in filtering it, burning their lungs out with all the smoke they inhaled that has too much nicotine in it, wasting up life in general with illegal drugs because what else is there to do when you’ve got centuries to live, right?
And there were those who are asking why they weren’t given enough time to enjoy life. Irritated at how their throats would close up from lack of oxygen, how suffocating it feels to have their chest constrict in pain in a pathetic attempt of keeping a beating heart, faces scrunching up at how bitter their mouth normally tastes at how much medicine they have to take just so they could live for another hour; and even that is something unpredictable. They could drop dead the next minute, and the only regret they get to have is not being able to be someone they’ve dreamt themselves to be.
Then what was the point of letting them live when they’re just going to suffer until they die?
Everybody dies; it’s not the end of the world.
But sometimes it only takes one person to have your whole world dying around you, and you can’t do anything but desperately try and gasp for air to keep yourself from crumbling down, even when you knew everything else inside had withered into nothingness as it follows that one person who gave you the only reason to keep going.
And suddenly you start asking yourself again; what was the point of living when everyone dies in the end? What was the point of loving when you get hurt in the end? What was the point of trying to find answers; dreaming and hoping when there’s definitely no answer at the end of the road nor is there any hope?
Because the truth is, life wasn’t a circle but a sad straight line.
You can only go forward; no one was allowed to look back.
Lighten up Jongin, you’re always serious
I’ve been told the very same thing a number of times I got tired of trying to count them. I only smiled, remembering how he’s looking at me yet not at me so I didn’t.
“I am not always serious!” Instead I laced my words with the smile I never wanted to show in public – not anymore, not when the world’s full of judging eyes. “Are you feeling tired? Do you want to go back already?”
Just a bit more, I like how the sun feels on my skin
And so we stayed for a few hours more at the building’s rooftop, killing time as we talk about everything and I can’t help but think how they meant nothing. We should be inside where he’s safer, because everything outside the building is toxic to him, and yet his smile had always said otherwise and I found myself coming with him to get some fresh air – poisoning him more as we stayed longer.
“The sun’s coming down we should go,” and I moved so we could finally go back together, then his hands touched mine so we’d stop – and we did.
It’s beautiful isn’t it? How the sky’s all red and pink and orange?
I nodded, not trusting my voice to have an agreeable tone he was looking for. The sunset was just one of the world’s million lies – it was beautiful, until you discovered the breathtaking color’s brought about by pollution. But he’s happy, and who was I to deny him of that?
I wish we’d get to visit the sea sometime…
“Sure. When you feel a little more better, I’ll take you,” and finally we’re going inside, sighing in relief as the sickening warmth of the building was back because in here, maybe I’d get to spend more time with him.
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I’ve always been the kind of person to sleep in no matter if it’s the weekdays or the weekends. It was just something I did to regain the energy I’ve lost, letting the day pass by in dreams filled with rainbows and happy endings because the moment you wake up, reality awaits and slaps you hard in the face and the sickening daily routine starts.
Life is better in sleep; it’s less stressful and filled with the lies you believed to be the truth – and sometimes you just wonder what the difference of reality and fantasy is when they’re both filled with white-lied-truths.
But as I look at how peaceful his face had looked in slumber, chest moving ever so slowly that it looked almost unmoving, I begged for him to stop sleeping, horrified of the moment when he’ll just stop breathing and his eyes would cease to open. I’ve never been afraid of sleeping, not until I met him and how much broken his time really is. What if the next time I wake up he refuses to do the same? What if the next time I inhaled he won’t be able to take a breath anymore?
What if the next time I feel my heartbeat his won’t be audible anymore?
It was scary, and I was beyond terrified that I refused to sleep when he’s asleep, opting to stare at his rising and falling chest and peaceful face. And when his eyes open is where I’d be curling up next to him, pressing my ears close to his chest to let the soft thumping of his heart lull me to a dreamless sleep – relaxing as his fingers gently raked through my hair.
His moments asleep are my most terrible nightmares – my dying moments – and his moments laughing are my sweetest downfall – because I’ve never heard of such empty laughter nor have I seen such a meaningful one; only his.
“Why are you even with him?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” My face automatically scrunched up in disgust, wondering why I even made friends with such sick people.
“You’re wasting your life by staying with him,” the man said as he took a swig of his beer and I started to recoil from my previous claim of him being my best friend. “He’s going to die anyway.”
“You’re the one with the wasted life Sehun,” I spat back, not caring at the glare currently directed at me.
“Oh my god Jongin, are you gay?” he asked, his voice mocking and his smile sickeningly provocative.
“I’d rather be gay and have a purpose than be straight as an arrow but is nothing but a waste of space.”
“What’d you say?!” Sehun was angry now.
So was I
“Nothing but the truth!” and everything became a blurry image of quick reflexes as we dodged each other’s hits and the sounds of knuckles hitting against jaws was all we could hear.
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There was a silent whimper as I watched his face contort from pain. He hisses, and I couldn’t help the slight tears that gathered in the corner of my eyes. Seeing him in pain like this hurts me too, and I didn’t understand why he refuses the numbing way for all this.
“Are you sure you don’t want it?”
Yes
“But Soo, you’re in so much pain!” I said exasperated as I feel his grip on my hand tighten just a bit more than a while ago, biting his lower lip as he breathed through the pain. “Please Soo, just get an anesthesia.”
I feel helpless when you’re in so much pain like this
No, it’s okay. I can take it
He was short of breath, and there he was covered in his own sweat from the strain of trying to fight off the pain. It was in moments like these that I lost track of anything physical and hated how humane I was, unable to do anything but watch him writhe in agony.
“Of course it’s not okay! Why are you so insistent on avoiding anesthesia anyway? They can help with the pain, Soo.”
He shook his head slightly, probably feeling exhausted as another wave of pain comes.
Pain is my only reminder that I’m still alive, Jongin.
I was speechless, completely shocked of what I just heard. Mentally cursing – because Kyungsoo hated a person with a potty mouth – I climbed onto his bed and held him tight, hoping we could go through his lonesome pain together. I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve prayed for everything to be over, for an alternate universe to come where Kyungsoo’s all healthy and living, somewhere where all kinds of physical pain is inexistent and everyone was more or less immortal.
But life was cruel and fate was laughing at people’s pain because in this universe, Kyungsoo’s beyond unhealthy – he was dying with an illness that was rare and was stuck to him the moment he was born; something about having problems when he was still a fetus and being a premature baby.
But what probably made it worst was that in every moment where his body had refused to react to medicines and welcomed the pain, Kyungsoo can do nothing but take it all in silently, burying himself in complete darkness because aside from being terribly sick he was blind and mute – it’s such a tragic life it feels like a sappy angsty movie sometimes.
And yet reality slaps us again as Kyungsoo whimpered in pain and finally signed for me to call a nurse or something because his insides hurt and I was running and yelling as the doctors tend to him and I was left outside his hospital room shaking, terrified of what will happen the next time the door opens.
“He’s fine, just sleeping.” The doctor said, probably knowing how scared I was to see Kyungsoo unmoving on his bed as they let me enter his room again after a few hours. He lay there, sleeping and yet I saw nothing but death – I chose to believe it was because of how white the room and the sheets were, and how pale Kyungsoo’s skin is. I walked towards him and sat down beside his bed, holding one of his limp hands and I felt him sigh and there was a small smile that made its way onto my lips.
“He doesn’t have much time though.”
“Everyone doesn’t have enough time too, Kyungsoo’s no different. He’s just a tad bit earlier than everybody else.”
“You guys are taking this really well, aren’t you?”
I chuckled as I looked back at the doctor, mentally spitting square on his face because I know that Kyungsoo was nothing to him but another zero on his paycheck.
“Why brood about something inevitable when you can just enjoy everything before it’s all over, right?”
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What are you afraid of?
“I don’t know, ghosts maybe?”
I was afraid of losing something closest to my heart, something like you
Typical
“Oh yeah, then what are you afraid of?” I asked and Kyungsoo looked at me, and I was left to admire how beautiful they looked despite the lack of life in them – something you can only find in those eyes that understood the difference between colors – and yet I’ve never seen such eyes full of meaning and hope and it just doesn’t make sense, just like how it doesn’t make sense that I hear his voice whenever he speaks with his hands.
I’m only afraid of one thing Jongin, and that’s losing the people I love
“You’re so deep sometimes, it doesn’t suit you.”
That’ll never happen because in the end, we’ll be the one losing you
I’m also afraid of dying
“We all are hyung.”
But I’m more afraid of living, only because I know you won’t be there to do it with me.
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“Hyung, wake up!”
“Clear!”
Kyungsoo’s body jolts up from the bed from the impact, but the green line of his heart monitor stayed flat. I was desperately trying to run my way beside him, but with all the nurses holding me back I could do nothing but scream his name and plead for him to open his eyes.
His lips had turned purple, and it felt like he won’t be opening his eyes anytime soon.
My heart broke, my soul started to hurt.
The life in his eyes faded away as he stared at me through a lingering kiss, my arms around his waist and his own wrapped around my neck. There was a soft whisper of I love you Jongin as Kyungsoo’s eyes drooped close and the long beeping sound from the heart monitor echoed inside the room. Doctors and nurses flooded the room as I was pulled back, and that was when my senses started working again and fought my right to be beside him – to be holding him in my arms, to whisper in his ear that everything will be fine, to kiss his away his worries and insecurities because despite his façade of being nonchalant and happy about everything, Kyungsoo was terrified to die and scared to be in pain.
I wanted to tell him that tomorrow was the day we were allowed to go out and visit the sea he wanted to see.
And that I was terrified to live without him and was scared of the pain from the hollowing hole he’d be leaving behind.
“Clear!”
And it was starting, right at that moment.
Memories comes crashing down – the day when I was wasting away my evening and ended up vomiting in front of Kyungsoo’s house and he was there to rub my back and ran inside their house to grab a glass of water and some aspirin. The next morning was when I first noticed his doe eyes and heart shaped lips – and how his eyes were looking in a single direction and how he never opened his mouth to speak, instead his hand moved to communicate.
“There’s still no pulse!”
“Clear!”
The day where he refused to stop being friends with Kim Jongin who was constantly getting high and was smoking five packs a day because getting high doesn’t always mean he’s someone bad! Sometimes they’re just misunderstood and who else is there to try and understand them but us?! And I remembered myself making a mental promise to throw out all the drugs and smoke I had in the house and stuffed my fridge with fruits and veggies because those were the things that would make Kyungsoo healthier.
The day I decided to learn sign language just so I could understand Kyungsoo properly without help from pen and paper. I remembered how happy Kyungsoo had looked when I first quickly replied to his sign and he eagerly added with an equally jolly Good job Jongin! Keep it up! Before we’re both giggling at how I felt like a little child being taught how to talk for the very first time – you kind of are Jongin.
“We did all we can, I’m so sorry but we couldn’t save him.”
There was pain, so much pain – mentally, physically and emotionally. My very core was screaming in pain yet there were no tears in my eyes as I slowly walked my way to his bed, sitting beside him and holding his limp hand. It had gone cold, and his pink lips had gone blue.
Before I met Kyungsoo, the only reason I felt pain was because life was cruel and Kim Jongin was an unloved child that had turned to drinking, drugs and smoking for comfort. But at that front porch, a silent angel had descended to help me walk back on the right path, on a road where we could walk down together and slowly Kim Jongin was turning for the better – all thanks to a certain Do Kyungsoo.
I grew up to believe that pain only meant that I was unloved – and yet another lie I considered to be true. The more painful, the more unloved I became.
I was wrong – very wrong.
It meant that I loved – so much that it hurt.
And it did, because as Kyungsoo’s hand grew colder in my grasp, I missed how warm his touch had felt against my skin – because all this time I was the one being held because I believed I was scared enough for the both of us. I looked over to his closed eyes and choked up at how I started to miss the spark of life in them despite looking straight through me everytime – and that was where I understood that Kyungsoo was blind because he wasn’t meant to see people in their physical sense, he was meant to see people’s true self: their souls.
I must have done something good for Kyungsoo to stay looking at me no matter if he’s talking or not, if I was talking or not. He just stared at me, and those were the moments where I found myself lost in his innocent eyes – never judging, just full of love.
“Hyung..”
I missed how I would hear his voice whenever his hand moved animatedly as he talked to me, how it sounded so velvety and soothing – like it all came from his heart and I was the only one allowed to hear it.
“Come back…”
I was starting to miss Kyungsoo, and I was still holding his cold hand. What more when tomorrow comes where he’s not on this bed anymore? Where I didn’t have to go to the hospital and wheel him up to the rooftop anymore? Where I didn’t have to watch him enjoy sunsets he was never able to actually see yet he appreciated so much?
“I love you Kyungsoo…”
It hurts to know that I won’t be able to see him sign his I love you Jongin anymore, that I won’t be able to hold him, to kiss him, or to simply be with him.
“How do I start living without you hyung?” the tears had started to flow, the room was silent and I was alone with Kyungsoo.
I had nothing but Kyungsoo, and with a snap of a finger he’s reduced to nothing but a sweet memory.
“You were the reason I started to live, what am I going to do now?!” it wasn’t anger, it was desperation. How do you cope with losing everything when it was the only reason why you started to believe in anything?
“Hyung…”
That’s the beauty of endings Jongin
It was Kyungsoo… the sound of a distant memory from one of our past conversations.
You get to have a new beginning
You were my beginning
So promise me you’ll continue living, even after I’m gone okay?
I regret making that promise hyung, can I take it back?
I love you Jongin, that’s enough for you to start fresh and make new memories
It hurts; everything hurts – because I had loved Kyungsoo with my all. Kyungsoo wasn’t meant to live for himself, he lived so that he could save me from emotionally dying, saved me from turning into a man with a wasted future, saved me from myself. I could only hope he didn’t suffer too much, because I knew I could be a handful.
Living meant Kyungsoo – to enjoy the moments before minding what’s ahead, to appreciate all the laughter and love before the pain, to continue dreaming and hoping because that’s the main reason you’re doing it.
Kyungsoo was life; my everything, and I could only think of how lucky I was to be able to fall in love with such a wonderful being, and I was lucky to be loved in the most selfless way a human can and can be loved.
You’ll be fine Jongin. I love you, remember that
I love you too, Do Kyungsoo
I love you, I love you
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